When It's Hard to Forgive

Silence filled the courtroom as the mighty judge processed to the front, his footsteps weighted by the influence which wooed an opinionated crowd to respectfully stand. Shaking at the thought of his deserved sentence, the poor offender stood with elbows tucked close to his body, wincing as the jarring sound of the gavel commenced what would become the most memorable trial in the history of the court.


I sometimes find myself wronged by others, placed in a position of seemingly undeserved pain because of the thoughtless actions of other people. This seems quite unfair. What did I do to deserve such heartache? Nothing, if you ask me. It must be my job to bring justice; I must be the judge. From my ledge of hurt, I can identify many weaknesses in the offender, concluding that he must deserve punishment for the way that he has treated me. Yet Jesus calls His followers to a radical lifestyle: release the offender, bless those who persecute you, and forgive as you want to be forgiven. His logic competes with my desire for cause and effect, unraveling my methods of measuring the offender's worthiness to be forgiven.


Jesus understands that the basis of forgiveness is not worthiness. In reality, how can a human even measure worthiness, or "deservance", as I like to call it? "Deservance" is completely subjective and abstract, differing according to the various criteria that each individual values. Unfortunately, what often happens in our quest to determine if someone is "worthy" of our forgiveness is that we measure how much they offended us or hurt our feelings. Surely hurt and degree of sin are correlated; the more hurt I feel, the worse the sin.


The problem is that we, as humans, rely on the very human characteristic of pain (i.e.- emotion) to judge what is ultimately an eternal issue (purity vs. sin). We are not equipped to make such decisions because we see every situation through a very biased lens that orients our opinions and perspectives around the nucleus of ourselves. It is impossible as human-beings to remove ourselves completely from the situations we are analyzing. Thus, there is no guarantee that our conclusions in measuring worthiness are, in fact, unbiased; it's possible that our offense stems from an unrelated insecurity that has been unexpectedly triggered.


Another issue in measuring others' worthiness is the issue of time: the human perspective is inherently restrained from understanding anything except the present and a portion of the past. When we attempt to assess the offender's merit, we can only speak about how we feel right now, relying on the past only as much as the past involved us. Thus, our assessment is very self-centered, neglecting to consider the offender's past or his own human experience. Additionally, we, as humans, lack the foresight to understand how situations will resolve in the future. We cannot see how barriers may, in fact, bring growth, or how an unexpected piece of information may reveal that the offender is not, in fact, the offender. The issues of time and emotion intersect since we ultimately utilize our perceptions of the present to manipulate our agenda for the trial.


On the other hand, God, our Holy Judge, is eternal. He does not operate within the structure of time, which means that He views every situation with the understanding of the offender's full history, as well as his motivations in sin. God knows the hurt of the sinner and understands what chains burden him and lead him to hurt others. Because God does not operate from an emotional position of offense, He sees the offender not according to his sin, but according to his inherent worth as Christ's creation-- God Himself chose to bring the offender into existence, knowing full well how he would hurt those around him.


Thus, to God the slanderer is known not as "gossip", but as "Child". The adulteress isn't known as "unfaithful", but as "My Beloved". How often do we believe that God calls us beloved, but that He calls the offender by the name of his offense?


I've found that even when I say that I believe God calls me "Lioness", I don't actually see myself that way. When I look into the mirror, I often first see "unfaithful", "bitter", and "self-focused". I had a dear friend on a trip to Asia that would often confess her sin to me, ending her statement with "But that's not who I am in Christ". That statement made such a deep impact on me. Even after all of the ways that I have hurt others and, more importantly, my Savior, He does not see me as an infidel. Rather, He sees me as His sweet bride, restored to holiness by the blood of a spotless Lamb that was shed on a cross.


I often wonder why God won't make me understand Jesus's message of radical grace. It really makes no sense from a human perspective: Why would you forgive someone who hurt you? But this struggle between what I expect God to say and what God actually says is perhaps the most beautiful aspect of our faith, for the story doesn't end like we think it does. In our storybook, the wretched offender, with his tucked-in elbows and his shameful tremble, is sentenced to a lifetime in prison. However, when the sinner cries on the prison floor in God's story, something completely unexpected occurs:


The door starts to rattle, shaking with the sound of the very footsteps that were heard processing into the courtroom. A great expectancy fills the room as the Most High Judge enters the prison, not to condemn the oppressed, but to free every sinner. Jesus Himself comes one-by-one to each prisoner, lifting every shamed-filled eye to meet His gaze of love.


"You are mine," He whispers. "I have placed my seal on your heart and have prepared a new life for you. Come away with me."


Dreamy... It sounds like a storybook ending, doesn't it? Thankfully, this is not a fairytale! Rather, this is the very message of Jesus Christ, our last saving grace; once more, this freedom is not the end of the story. The reason Jesus comes to free us from the prison is because He wants us as near to Himself as possible. Forgiveness is just the introduction to a very thick storybook. This Easter, let's arise from the prison. Instead of tying to drag those who hurt us down into this dingy place, why don't we step into freedom together? Mother and daughter, brother and sister, friend to friend. There is a blank page awaiting us.

On the Cusp of Adventure

I heard someone say today that following God means embarking on adventure. How true that is! I think about my life with the Lord, and I am bombarded by memory after memory of God asking me to do things that make me uncomfortable: Travel to Asia, perform with my dad's band, talk to the homeless girl on the street.  So many times I hear the gentle Holy Spirit asking me to do something, accompanied by a pit in my stomach. Sometimes I walk past the opportunity, knowing that God will forgive me (which is not good, by the way--just want to make that clear). And He does forgive me. But I think it makes Him kind of sad.

See, God doesn't put opportunities in my path as some kind of exam that I have to pass to be a true Christian, although I approach it that way sometimes. I think He genuinely wants to bless me. However, the truth of His grace and selflessness makes me self-conscious and convicted. Sometimes the opportunities He places in front of me just reveal all the more how weak I am and how unable I am to lead a fulfilling life without God. So I turn my face away and speed-walk past the blessing. And I don't know what I'm missing.

Sunday night, I was walking to church when I saw a girl around my age asking for money on the side of the street. My heart instantly broke for her as I thought about how different our lives were. God asked me to go talk to her. I continued to walk. Eventually I turned around and headed back; I have ignored God in this department many times recently, and I wanted to finally obey. I began to talk to the girl, whose name is Nancy. She is such a sweet and genuine person. I could feel walls crumbling in my spirit. These people that we often treat as objects are real people. They have names. They have souls. And they have stories.

I started to realize how much my lifestyle has not been reflecting Jesus, the guy that spent most of His time with the marginalized and forgotten. There's a mug in the house cupboard that says "See and be seen". I feel like that is our ultimate desire as humans; we just want our presence to be acknowledged, and we want to be intimately known. Although I will never know Nancy as intimately as Jesus can, we can be friends. I can give her the gift of humanness and value her simply because God created her.  

Although I felt pretty unsure and uncomfortable when approaching Nancy, I was able to see God through the life of another person. I was blessed in my discomfort. I wonder what would happen if we set our fear aside and trusted that obeying Christ through the discomfort would result in breakthrough. Maybe we have been praying for healing, and the answer is in a situation that we have been ignoring. Perhaps we are dreading going home because of conflict with our flatmate, and God wants to teach us humility through living with others. Or maybe we are dreading going to tutorials because we don't want to listen to a list of corrections to our essay, and God wants to show us that our worth is not in our work, and His corrections to our path are to strengthen us and prepare us for the future. God is one smart cookie, and He thinks ahead.

Lord, please open us up. Show us that there is no fear in obedience. Lord, You walk with us through every step of discomfort, You strengthen us to release our bondage, and You strengthen us to step into freedom. Reveal to us the truth about ourselves so that we can look more like You.

Amen.

Week 1, Oxford

Welcome to my travel blog. Many of you have visited in years past, trekking virtually with me around Europe and Asia. Well, we have another adventure, friends: Six months of study at Oxford University. I arrived in Oxford two days ago, only to jump right into the cultural and into academic obligations. 

The academics here at Oxford are organized completely differently than back home. We operate on a tutorial system. Basically, I meet once a week for eight weeks with a "tutor" (basically a professor or expert in the field). This is either one-on-one or in a small group. Prior to the tutorial, the tutor emails me with an essay prompt, about which I write a 2,500 word essay using a provided list of books. 

College organization is also different: Oxford is actually a town, in addition to being a university (or "uni", as the Brits say). The university doesn't have a specific campus. Rather, there are several colleges spread out all over the town that basically run themselves, most of which cater to specific courses of study (or majors, as we say). Each college has a library (or more), a dining hall, as well as some student accommodation and tutorial rooms/offices. There is also a quad (courtyard) in each college. I go to Regents Park College, which is rather small compared to some of the others. I'm told some colleges are large enough to encase a lake! 

I have the option of eating in college 3 meals a day for Monday through Friday. It is a really lovely set-up, as our college is very intentional about obliterating social hierarchy as much as possible. The tutors and faculty eat right alongside the students. It is often a very enriching academic experience, as the people here seem to be very hungry to learn and to share their research. At dinner time, it is family style, with the plates of food in the center of the table. It feels like one big family. Meal times are one of the most important ways to meet friends. 

(P.S.- the food is way better than certain cafeterias back home, which I will not name)

My first tutorials are next week, and I have an essay that is due Sunday at 4pm. I am to study how social and cultural changes affected the role of composers and musicians in eighteenth century society (among a few other facets of C.18 music, such as function of music and compositional output). So far, I am really enjoying the readings. I really love this system. In an orientation, I was told that the word "essay" comes from a French word which means "to try", so I should not expect to bring essays in that are publishing-ready. This culture is so anti-perfectionism, and it is water for the soil of my soul. It is clear that the goal is for me to enjoy the process of learning and pursue my interests in research. Finally!

As far as accommodation (they use this word instead of housing), I live in a really nice house with 3 other students and 1 site director. They are all lovely people, and I am enjoying getting to know them. I actually have a really  nice room to myself with an en suite bathroom and a window overlooking the street and a garden. I LOVE it! I plan on coloring some things to put on the wall to make it more homely. 

I have also come into contact with the Oxford Horn Choir, and my first meeting with them is the first week of February! They have opened me with open arms, and I am going to have coffee with one of the members on Saturday. 

Overall, I am very grateful to be here. I didn't really know what to expect coming, but this definitely exceeds my expectations. Before I sign off, I wanted to share a couple of amusing cultural differences. Also, sorry there are no photos. I am currently trying to figure out my SIM card situation, and my pictures are on an unactivated phone. 

First of all, there are many quirky exclamations that make me chuckle. I heard someone say "Crikey!" for the first time today. I didn't think people really said that; I thought we had created a stereotype. Apparently, I was wrong!

Biscuits are not biscuits; they are cookies-- but not soft, gooey cookies, like we all love. They are hard, crunchy biscuits (an Oreo is considered a biscuit). 

These people are very kind and polite. They also care about the welfare of the rats and hedgehogs, which I seriously thought was a joke, but it's not. Apparently there is a local rat expert who says that if the rats are healthy, then they will not spread diseases. As long as they do not enter the houses, there is no problem.

We walk everywhere. I walk 1.4 miles one way just to get to school. Then I walk all around the city center and down to the other side of town to the Music Faculty building. I can technically buy a bus pass, which I will do for particularly rainy days, but I enjoy the stroll. Good thing I bought some good walking shoes before I left!

Tea is a well-founded stereotype: there is tea at 11 and 4. I haven't gone yet, but I hope to be in college during tea time at some point. Also, don't drink tea at night, like I have done the past two nights. It causes difficulties falling asleep...

Well, that's enough for now! Who know how often I'll actually post, as I have many exciting things happening. 

Good'ay, folks!

Amy